Losing my Core Veil was one of the most profound moments of my life. It was such a powerful movement of Grace! When my Core Veil popped, my heart started spinning in what felt like three directions at once and I felt myself being in the whole cosmos and all the dimensions at once. When I spoke my voice sounded like it was someone else's and was no longer coming from what I had previously believed to be 'me'. It seemed to be coming from the oneness of everything. That night I cried, realizing that everything up to date had in fact been an illusion, and a new reality was occurring. I laughed more than I ever laughed before at the cosmic joke of life. I can only describe it as a birth into a new reality of love and pure truth. Amazing!
After the Inner Veil awakening class, I have found a lasting stillness that permeates through my entire life and all my relationships. It is like there is space within me, and when conditioned reactions arise I can see them for what they are, rather than letting them become me. The result is a life lived with far more freedom and a joy in everything that I see or do. Beforehand, I was in the prison of my conceptual mind and its story. I have started living life.
At some point after the movement, one or 2 days after class, suddenly I could feel the total absence of a 'someone-ness' inside, as if what was left was clusters of conditioning moving and pulling and a mind that would speak all different kinds of things. But there was no person. It was so clear that I stopped was I was doing to just be with this. And with it, realized that the search for understanding myself, the wanting to know who I am was clouded from the sense of a steady personality, to define myself through different aspects in consciousness, with rules and forms. But this was different. I couldn't know myself or define myself any more through this paradigm. Because the person-personality that I had been feeling a center to, ceased to exist as something real. The piece of the puzzle in consciousness on the search "who I am" went into shock as I started noticing the clusters of consciousness in the system and genetic mind talking to me as if it was real. Now I could finally see the illusion of it. And that made me laugh. An immense joy and a sense that now I could allow myself to be totally myself -- it wouldn't matter anymore what I expressed, inside I knew the truth. The ego consciousness and mind stuff felt to be part of expressing Divinity in form, and not different from it. Yet not something that could define myself from anymore. Seemed a really important aspect of life and truth was coming into place there. And the sense of freedom to be totally myself now!
Just got back from BodyMind Awakening class last night. After a good night sleep and a lazy start of the day I took a walk, no longer being in a group or group field, completely on my own, being able to let it sink in and feel what happened. There was (is) soooooooo much awareness in my body, no boundaries between the awareness inside my body and the awareness surrounding it. Felt like awareness was walking within itself. The stillness and the beauty of it moved me to tears. Still can't believe what has happened to me.
The other day I broke down in teary-recognition and gratitude that the search was finally over. Some part of my seeker really recognised that too, it felt like a beautiful and yet painful relief, accompanied with the nostalgia and compassion for all the lifetimes of seeking and failing, desperately seeking and failing again and again. Still feeling a little dumbfounded ... and yet immeasurably touched and in joy with the grace of it all.
Attending the recent BodyMind Awakening class is the most profound change for me of all the classes. I feel joyful and aliveness and love daily since taking the class. Words feel inadequate to describe the changes. Heartfelt gratitude.
